Sunday, June 30, 2002

It was the hottest, stickiest day of the summer that I've been forced to commute through thus far. Also: a game day—for the Red Sox that is. Every day, I take deep pleasure in walking by Fenway Park on my way to work and normally, I consider myself very lucky to live near it; like in some small way, I have some part of this incredible and historic ballpark to myself because I live in the nieghborhood. But the downside of that is that several nights a week during the summer, thirty thousand other people also come to take their own part of it.

A good number of these people get there via the T, aka the Massachusetts Bay Transportation Authority, which is also, incidentally, how I get home from work.

These Red Sox people, these T riders, they are not your typical T commuters. They do not obey the no-eye-contact, no-talking, move-to-the-rear rules. They clump in large groups, wearing Nomar and Pedro jerseys. They are never prepared for which side the doors will open on. They comment, loudly, on how crowded the train is, how hard it is to avoid falling, and which stop is it again?

They often get confused, staying on past the Kenmore stop to the stop labeled Fenway because it does seem logical, but in fact, the Fenway stop is for The Fenway, not Fenway Park. It's only a few minutes walk, but I often see them, looking confused in the Bed and Bath parking lot, wondering where exactly the turnstyles are.

On this particular day, I had managed to get squeezed into a car next to a very talkative family, including their grandmother, who repeatedly commented how "This is just like those Japanese subways you hear about! Remember how he was saying they pack them in like sardines? Tokyo subway!" The father felt the need to make his son (who was about three) talk to everyone in the car. "Say 'My name is Adam.'" "Say 'This is my first baseball game.'" "Say 'I grew up a Cubs fan.'" Then, the man takes a moment to let everyone know that though he is from out of town, he did, in fact, cry for the Red Sox in '86.

The mother is holding one of those claw grabber things—the kind with some sort of head at one end of a stick, and at the other, there's a handle. When you grab the handle, the head has some sort of mouth that opens and closes? (I tried to find a picture of this online, but apparently, I am not using the correct technical term. Sadly, I can't describe it very well, so either you get me or you don't. Sorry.) Every time my arm was jostled, it would bump the handle, making a dinosaur's jaws snap open and shut in my face. I did my best to maintain my steely commuter face, making it clear to everyone that though I was getting off at the same stop as these Red Sox people who crowd our T's, I was most surely not one of them.

It was hot and sticky and though it was crowded, the father made things feel unnecessarily more crowded by placing himself at an angle that made it impossible for me to avoid quasi-hugging him if I was to remain holding onto the handle—which was very necessary as I was teetering on the edge of the stairs. I held my head up high—so as to get a whiff of the slightly less-breathed air, and did my best to avoid laughing.

[09:01 PM EST] [5]

Thursday, June 20, 2002

It was seven and a half hours past midnight; four and a half hours after I went to sleep. I stumbled into the bathroom—tired, groggy, somewhat nauseous.

In a strange stream of thoughts that run through my head at that hour, I told myself this wasn't what real people do—being up at this hour. I remembered one morning freshman year when I had an early flight to catch and left the Quad shortly after seven. No one was awake, save for the security gaurds. I felt strange being awake then, like real people aren't up at this hour.

I felt that way again, for a few minutes as I fumbled with the shower knobs; watched the light stream in, tinted green by our curtains.

And then it hit me that no, this is what real people do. This is how it was for 18 years and how it will be for the rest of the summer and how it will be for the rest of my life after two years.

The days of jealously eyeing those with schedules that don't start until noon—sheepishly admitting that I hauled my tired self to an eleven o'clock every day, as if I wasn't clever enough to come up with a more liveable schedule—those are what's pretend. That's not how real people live.

The thought of it makes me very, very tired. I long for the mornings when I apologized for needing the alarm set for 10:00 (10:08, actually—something about luck coming with the numbers that end with 8). They aren't coming back any time soon.

I should be in bed now, but instead I pretend my body is super-human; that it can handle no sleep, eight hour days (ten really, when you factor in all the commuting and delays and such) and its alcohol as well (when truthfully, it could never hold liquor very well).

It is a lie.

[01:11 AM EST] [1]

Wednesday, June 12, 2002

After all my searching, I finally found employment--or "employment," to be a bit more accurate, since they're not actually giving me any form of monetary compensation. Monday through Friday, 9-5, I am Caroline, Intern Extraordinaire. (I should put that on my resume. It has a nice ring to it, no?)

Fear that I would not have any job (or "job"... you get the picture) finally melted away when I ended up with not one, but two internships. Tuesdays through Thursdays, I photocopy, Internet-search and roll around inside my little cubicle at a textbook publishing company. I bookshelf the week with a Monday/Friday stint at a non-profit company, writing newsletters aimed at potential donors.

It should all be relatively rewarding, I figure. Three days a week, I can be confident in the knowledge that I am helping spread knowledge--college students everywhere will no doubt have literature to read in their English classes, thanks to my steadfast skills with the stapler. And Mondays and Fridays, I make sure the lower-income children, parents and senior citizens of the city will have a camp, computers and adult education classes. And I am padding my resume with productive and impressive activities. Oh, sweet, sweet rewards.

Except the truth is the five-hundred plus pages I've photocopied, two bookshelves I've alphabetized and mailing labels I've taped on haven't really felt much like experience. They're just, well, whatever.

Don't get me wrong--I am very happy to have these "jobs"--happy to have anything at all, and the people I work with are quite nice and very friendly and it's sort of nice to do mindless tasks that aren't worth getting stressed about.

I love the rhythm of the commute. Getting up in the morning, walking to the subway in my "business casual," I feel very much like a grown up. (And since now, technically, I'm in my twenties, maybe I am?) I especially adore the publishing office--the converted warehouse with modern lighting, brightly-colored walls and exposed brick are so what I want at a where I work. It's young, it's hip, it's what I wanna be when I grow up.

I think, anyway.

I'm still not quite sure what it is I want; I've just sort of fallen into these things because I wasn't sure I could take it as a reporter or hack it as a writer. I told myself I'd at least get to cross these off my list of possible career moves if I hate this summer--which would (I suppose) be a step towards a productive career choice. Generally, my resume is fairly directed; the writing-editing-communicating-English-major thing leaps off it at you. But
I'm still not really sure what I want to do with it all.

"Why did you want an internship in publishing?" they asked me at the interviews.

Because it's one of those bastions for English majors who don't want to do with themselves?

"Why did you become an English major?" they ask. I didn't really choose it, I say, I was just drawn to it. I just kinda knew it was what I was supposed to do.

I just wish I knew what I was supposed to do with it.

[06:33 PM EST] [1]

Friday, June 7, 2002

So once again (and again and again), I packed things up, piled them into the minivan and spend an afternoon (and then another, and then another) moving in. This time, though, the drive was shorter—a mere hour into the city—and I am not alone—I'm along for the ride with Liz.

I've come to hate constantly picking up pieces of my life and relocating them. As pieces of furniture have been looted from my bedroom (now scattered about the house, where someone will actually use them) and random junk has replaced them—the feeling that I don't have any real permanent place has settled in very distinctly.

In the next fourteen months, I have 8 moves to make: Boston to home, home to London, London to home, home to Penn, Penn to home, home to wherever I will be living next summer, home again, and then, back to Penn. Maybe more (potentially less, but I doubt it).

I have no stability, really. No address at which I can be reached for more than four months straight for a very long time, and this is starting to bother me a little bit.

In a way, I am happy about all this; I am young and have the energy (mostly) to keep up with this, even if I am not sleeping on a very comfortable bed. I can pack light, I can live a Spartan existance. There's something very exciting about it. But I just wish I had something a bit more permanent to fall back on.

I'm way, way too prone to sentimentality—I used to remember all the hotel room numbers we'd stayed in on vacations as a kid—like room 513 of the Embassy Suites outside of San Francisco somehow cared or noticed when we left after a week. I wonder if rooms 1814 or 304 (in my building) or 29 (from last year) miss me. They probably don't; hundreds of people have moved in and out of them and left few traces—certainly not enough to miss.

With all the moving and changing, I'm sure some of my nostalgia will be watered-down—a good thing. You can only wistfully smile about so many places in such a small span of time—and I've got to save room in my stupid memory for London, which I know will be hard to leave (or at least, I hope it will be).

Anyway. I can see Fenway and the Prudential from my window here, which makes me immensely happy to be near (in, actually) Boston again, where the Yankees are undisputedly evil (and three games back) and nothing is ever open late enough.

[10:26 AM EST] [reply?]

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