It's 11:49 p.m. I'm writing this from my former office—where they have replaced the name on my former mailbox with my successors' within the last 24 hours. I am sitting at her desk now, because it used to be mine, and as miserable as the five and a half months I spent sitting at it made me at times, it feels like home.

I came here to abuse the printer because mine would not work and all of the computers in the lab were taken. I know it's taking advantage of a former employer and it's sort of wrong, given that they're hardly well-off, but, well. I'm sorry. I had to.

I should be studying for a final. It's my only exam this semester, it's tomorrow at 8:30. (Another confession: I skipped more than a handful of the lectures and before this afternoon, had read less than a quarter of the required material for this class.)

But I kind of wanted to think out loud for a moment.

It's occured to me more than once that this site isn't what it once was—I no longer talk in great detail about my personal life, I no longer use specific names or even refer to specific incidents unless they're completely anecdotal trivia. I don't update even on a weekly basis most of the time. And it's kind of boring.

It's sort of a weird paradox: I started putting writing on the web because if I had some kind of audience, I felt compelled to not let them down; to keep writing. Except the audience had to be anonymous; or at least, partially so. (Ok, yet another confession: I really started it way, way back when because I wanted Dave to read about how much he'd hurt me, but that reasoning sort of dwindled within an entry or two.) But when the audience gets closer than few degrees of separation, I sort of freeze up and start talking in big, sweeping euphamisms that don't really make a lot of sense to anybody.

And it's sort of representative of one of the larger questions I keep asking myself tonight: why the hell is it that I can never find the words to say what it is I want to say out loud and to the people who actually need to hear them? I like to think of myself as someone reasonably good with communication—what the hell else have I been doing in this god-forsaken office all these semesters if not communicating? But when I want to say something, I mean, really say something, unless I am really, really mad and the situation is particularly dire, I find myself tripping over "I don't know's" and "I'm sorry's." (Another question: Why the hell do I feel the need to apologize profusely to people I'm trying to yell at?)

There aren't clear answers to these questions and more importantly, I know they're not going to be on my final tomorrow so maybe now isn't the time to go looking for some explanation (probably rooted in my childhood; something having to do with being a twin and how my father didn't love me enough and how I wasn't picked playing Duck-Duck-Goose in preschool—I don't know). But these are the issues that come to mind when I start looking for any excuse to escape from the library's flourescent lighting and my history book. And it's something I've been meaning to tell you, so there you have it.

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Replies: 3

Posted by Dave @ 12/12/2003 04:55 PM EST

Once every 2 or 3 months I remember that you have a website and I type in parenthetical.org and I read your latest entry and sort of poke around to see if anything new has been added since the last time I was here 2 or 3 months ago.

I consider myself to be of average/above-average intelligence and I've always found your entries to be eloquent, insightful and even a little profound.

I really do think you should compile portions of this online journal you've kept into a book of some sort. While I can't relate to the events that have happened in your life, I can certainly relate to the emotions you've felt - I think everyone can. (And that's why it'd be such a great seller!)

You'll always be Cedly from the boards with an angelfire website that featured an entire page devoted to the missing Chewbacca Pez Dispenser to me. :P

<3 Lissa

Posted by Lissa @ 12/23/2003 03:00 AM EST

aw, man, the chewbacca pez dispenser... wow, those were the days...

Posted by Caroline @ 12/23/2003 11:34 PM EST