Mostly, these days, I feel like I've been missing something from before -- London, maybe, last semester, even. Maybe it was Boston. Or a summer in New York that didn't actually quite occur.
Maybe I just want to pull in bits and pieces of my life that are actually scattered across the space of several years into a time that isn't real, but somehow, seems like something I can think of nostalgically.
I know these people I love don't exist happily in one plane of time together. The family from my childhood. My group from high school, pre-boyfriends and fights. My freshman friends. My sophomore dorm. My London girls. My housemates from 4047. The relationship from a few months back, which I find myself missing in stupid amounts of loneliness tonight (it might just be the distance of a few months, but then, I don't know. I miss the calmness and warmth of it, which I know is not just a product of an imaginitive memory.)
I feel like all these relationships I have are like helium balloons in my hand and I keep letting their dangling ribbons slip through my fingers. And maybe as one tugs up, I have the sense to realize it and grab it and pull it down just before we've lost each other forever, but I know there are some that have flown away, probably for good, and there are some that are far too important to hold so lightly, and yet. I let myself get distracted.
Part of it is time -- beyond my control these days, I say. And the distance. More than half of the relationships that have slipped too much away from me are pulled by miles that separate. I can only go home every so often, time differences and long distance rates complicate, it's hard to keep up with a group that's now scattered to the wind.
But that's only a partial excuse, really, and one that I hope to stop allowing to stand in for me before another floats off.
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