I'd just like to state, for the record, that I am a very, very Stupid Girl. If you added up the amount of time and energy throughout the day that I spend thinking about, pondering over and generally obsessing on the truly silly and trivial, you too would be forced to come to this conclusion. So I'll just save you the time and tell you that up front.

Some of it isn't entirely me, some of it is brought on by circumstances and social constructs which I cannot ignore (or perhaps that's what makes me stupid—were I able to rise above and ignore them, I would be a far, far better person). But alas, I cannot—there it is, right on my daily planner, a completely empty and unmarked 'February 14' and, in smaller letters printed underneath, 'Valentine's Day.'

Ah, yes, it remains completely empty as of yet—no plans, no scheduled meetings or dinner dates or little heart smilies. Just empty. And I'm being very stupid about it.

I'd like to believe (and there is still time) these circumstances shall change—he should call, email, or some act of God shall intervene and there will be plans. Dinner, maybe. I'm not asking for much. I don't demand flowers or chocolates (please, no) or wrapped gifts of any sort. (OK, well, if plans are an impossibility, flowers or something, something would be appreciated.) I just want dinner. And maybe a bit of clarification.

Oh, I know. Modern woman of the 21st century and all, I should not be so stupid as to think I can't call him myself and make these plans. But I am still bound to stupid old rules that somehow mean something to me. And it's Valentine's Day, and I've never actually, in nineteen years of Valentine's Days, spent the actual holiday with someone I was romantically interested in. I'd like that, really, just once (or maybe a lot more than just once, but I'm only asking once of him).

This is where the stupid girl part of it all comes in. Because any rational human being would not spend nearly the amount of time and effort and energy that I have spent dwelling on, thinking about and obsessing over this quasi-relationship. (Ah, another point of stupidity—when is it a safe to breach the 'what-are-we-anyway' conversation? When is it too soon, when has the boat passed me by entirely? When am I not going to be so fucking stupid?)

A rational person—she would not do these things. But never call me rational, my friend. I'm just not. Not with this, not with a lot of things.

Anyway. I blame this stupid holiday as well as myself (and him, partly, because really. It has been four days and he has not called yet, and while I know he's been away some of that time, should he really assume my life is just so boring that I have nothing better to do than drop my non-existant plans and spend time with him at a moment's notice. (Even if that is sort of the case.)). It's right there on the calendar, and you really can't ignore it. Not with all the flyers (Special! One Dozen Roses! Order now and avoid the rush!) staring you in the face. And if you do choose to pretend as though you didn't notice, your silence in itself speaks volumes. And if you choose to acknowledge it, now what—and how much?

Alas, I annoy myself. And stare at it as I might, I cannot will my phone to ring and I cannot force emails to be sent to my box. I can only wait and remain the stupid girl—or, by some amazing display of willpower and strength, ignore the whole trivial mess altogether and actually write my English paper, which incidentally, is due the 15th.

Post Script: Fifty minutes after the completion of this entry, I recieved an email invitation. Dinner—Wendesday. I remind myself this is fair, I know he works on Thursdays afterall, but still, it is the day before Valentine's Day, and I can't help but think this says something. Or maybe that I read into these things too much. But alas—on with that English homework.

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Replies: 1

Posted by kim @ 02/13/2002 11:42 AM EST