Who lays the crumbs of food that tempt you? Towards a peson you never considered. A dream. Then later another series of dreams.

Michael Ondaatje, The English Patient

In Psych today, we talked about love and attraction. Why we fall for the people we fall for, why people behave the way they do, why men suck.

Well, that wasn't really how he put it, but that seems to be what the bottom line was. It's a genetic thing. Biologically, they are best off "spreading their seed" among as many women as possible. Biologically, this shouldn't matter too much to women, as long as they aren't abandoned.

I can't help but thinking that calling it mere biology fact that a man thinks monogamy is just shrouding an accepted social standard — men are jerks.

I know, I know, not all of them. But enough of them. Statistically more of them than women. Or so it seems.

Looking down at my notes, the random sentences I rather randomly jotted down in an attempt to look like I actually take notes (I don't), it's actually kind of amusing. At the bottom of one page, scrawled: "No such thing as rmntic. love w/o,attracn.," and at the top of the next: "Love - not RATIONAL" followed by "'Ultimate Narcissim.'"

(Make of that what you will, of course.)

I can't help but think this makes really no biological sense. How does it benefit your survival if you leave angry remnants of a family when you leave? Is alimony indicative of survival of the fittest? Is it useful to produce children who both fantasize about killing you and find themselves incapable of trusting?

They say only like 16% of cultures believe in monogamy. I wonder where I would put ours in if I were responsible for fitting it into the equation. They say something like 54% of men, 45% of women cheat at some point. I try and take this with a grain of salt. I'm not even sure where I deserve to be put on that scale.

We also talked about the people we end up with, why, and how.

He later said it was propinquity. Propinquity in the desert. It does that here, he said.

We fall in love with the people in closest proximity, they say. Similarity. Physical attraction.

I'm not so sure this is all true. We believe we love the people we see often, because it's our only option. And we tell ourselves we're just like them because it makes us feel better. And we tell ourselves we're attracted to make them feel better.

I refuse to believe that love is truly irrational though. Attraction, yes. Attraction is irrational, at times bizarre, and I have no explanations for things of that nature. But love is a conscious effort — somewhere along the lines, you made a choice, you weighed the options, and in the end, you put things on the scales and your subsequent action — or lack thereof — became a decicion. I have no sympathy there.

I give people more credit than to believe then "fall in love." Life is not so passive. You had control over that. You chose it — and the consequences that come along for the people who had no part in this.

I want to say that I trust people, that I see nothing wrong with it, that I've just been on the unfortunate place to be hit by multiple exceptions — but exceptions all the same — to the rule. I want to, anyway. I know the world isn't as bad as I want to believe sometimes.

If I could, I'd like to ask my father what he would advise his daughters to do if they should have the misfortune to find themselves married to someone like him. Except I don't, because we don't talk anymore.

For him, all relationships fell into patterns. You fell into propinquity or distance.

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Replies: 8

Posted by STEF @ 11/05/2001 11:12 PM EST

You know, as a Psych major, I've just really felt the need to comment on this... but I still can't come up with anything better than "I think you're prof is a quack", "Damn, you're jaded", and "You are so right."

Posted by shaun @ 11/07/2001 02:44 AM EST

you know what...love can only be ultimate narcissm; we don't love for somebody else's sake, only our own. extremely fucking selfish. anywhore, i felt the need to bolster the sex of which i am a member as i believe some of us have been discriminated against by your female majority here. the only time i was serious about "spreading my seed" was after my ex left me for someone else and i wanted to hurt her. and i did. and at first it made me feel good that she thought something horrible about me and that she "caused" it. now it doesn't because i'm honestly very removed from being the Johnny Sexseed of the 2 sq. mi. i currently call home in chicago. socially, there are some guys that want other guys to not think they are poor bohemian romantic saps (ahem) so they play it up. although most guys...yeah...are assholes. at least from our unbiased perspectives ;)

Posted by todd @ 11/07/2001 12:34 PM EST

guys spend most of their time and effort trying to gain approval from females. how a female approves of a guy is the measure of his self worth, for the most part. guys who cheat are only looking for approval from another female because they feel inadequate, or their committed female is not giving them the approval they need. and a few guys are really just assholes, but only a few. sex, whether people realize it or not, is giving a guy that ultimate "you're a good guy" pat on the back.

Posted by a guy @ 11/07/2001 09:22 PM EST

guys spend most of their time and effort trying to gain approval from females. how a female approves of a guy is the measure of his self worth, for the most part. guys who cheat are only looking for approval from another female because they feel inadequate, or their committed female is not giving them the approval they need. and a few guys are really just assholes, but only a few. sex, whether people realize it or not, is giving a guy that ultimate "you're a good guy" pat on the back.

Posted by a guy @ 11/07/2001 09:22 PM EST

so why does a girl cheat then?

Posted by another guy @ 11/07/2001 10:42 PM EST

because they are evil deceitful whores...no, actually, girls cheat for the same reasons, lack of attention, lack of excitement, boredom. of course, some girls just like to be deceitful

Posted by a guy @ 11/08/2001 09:30 PM EST

the article was right, but it also lowered expectations, that many people cheat so be expected to be cheated on. in reality, dump whoever cheats on you... don't ever let yourself stay with someone who's unfaithful. i never realized how much being cheated on would hurt until today when my ex, who swore he would never cheat on me, hooked up with another girl. guys cheat because they don't have the heart to say no, girls cheat because they don't feel loved in a relationship. either way, it's completely wrong, i don't care if it's 100 percent or 1 percent of people who cheat, bottom line is it's wrong

Posted by kristen @ 01/04/2002 05:47 PM EST