I know before I look at the calendar that today is it. It's been a year — an entire 365 freaking days since I sat down at my computer at the very same place and had a very enlightening conversation which was followed by several other enlightening conversations and revelations.
And the fact that it's been a year since the breakup kinda depresses me for a host of reasons. The post-breakup state has now been twice as long (almost) as the relationship. And I'm still not over it. Not really, anyway. Not like I believe normal, well-balanced, sane people ought to be.
I realize this is partly because I seem to suffer from a form of schizophrenia. No plan seems to be my plan for very long. I will never speak to him again (for two weeks). I will forgive him for the purpose of letting myself let go of things, but not really invest anything else in this messed up fiasco (for two weeks). I will never talk to him again (another short-lived two weeks). We will be friends, maybe. I will never talk to him again. Repeat cycle, ad infinitum.
I've used my relationship is like a drug addiction analogy more than once — even before the breakup. It's like you rationally know it's not a good thing for you in the long run, and it leaves you feeling bad and upset, but you can't get away from it, because in the moment, it feels good. And you know the longer you stick with it, the harder it will be to break away, and you try and quit, but you just need something.
In a lot of ways, I think I've taken only the wrong lessons away from all of this.
I mistrust the wrong people, and I'm bitter and cynnical towards the unknown, and I don't want to be that way, but it's hard to keep the generalizations from creeping up and the doubt from seeping in. Yet simultaneously, I still put myself in the same position I did before.
I feel like this picture my high school art teacher had up on the wall of a doormat with a sign on it saying "Hi, I'm Mat". Go ahead, walk all over me, I wouldn't have put myself here if I didn't have some sick issues with standing up for myself.
I know both of these are exaggerations. I don't hate everyone I don't know and I don't always let myself be walked on. But I do do it, to an extent, and I know I shouldn't, and I do it anyway. And I try to let go of things, but they still bother me. A lot.
Because I was in a particularly self-hating mode last night or something, I dug out the saved conversation from a year ago. And even though I have read it enough times to know exactly how it goes, it still kills me. The way it starts off kind of normal and I can remember how I felt right then — too tired of things to care anymore that I probably shouldn't be talking to his ex-girlfriend, yet still partly determined to make things work. And then the way it keeps going and how it probably wasn't for almost an hour that I got to the part that still makes me freeze.
And I know how the story goes. And I know I've been through all this on here before (or maybe not, but some things, I don't really want to explain) and how I had to call her, 'cause I still really couldn't believe it, and how I went on a bizarre, half-crazed IM'ing spree of every screen name he'd ever mentioned to me, trying to piece together things and how I probably seemed a little insane, but I didn't really care. All I could think was that half the reason things ever got like this was because I had been so damn afraid to ask questions and say things and do things impulsively. And I swore I wouldn't be stupid and afraid like that again.
And maybe, I'm slightly bolder about things, but not really, I don't think. I am just more likely to assume the worst and either be willing to accept (read: pretend it doesn't exist) or to chase it out of my life because God knows we don't need any more of that crap around here, and chances are it very well could've been bad. Maybe, anyway. Maybe the devil you know is better than the one you don't.
Anyway, there is no real resolution to all this to add here and now, and I know I've been quiet lately because I don't have much else to say, and I'm not exactly sure how I feel about what I've said just now. I don't know what I think about things, but in that light, and in celebration of other, somewhat happier anniversairies-of-sorts, I think starting next week and for the next three weeks or so, I'm going to turn this page into a personal project-type thing (complete with semi-daily updates!). And I say this mostly because if I promise something aloud, the chances of my actually following through are slightly higher than they are if I keep them to myself (which hovers somewhere around "not very likely").
So anyway. That's that story, for now.
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Replies: 9
thank you.
Posted by . @ 06/16/2001 06:14 PM EST
*huggles*
Posted by Dave @ 06/17/2001 11:35 AM EST
Wait a minute... you're supposed to be over your ex a year after you broke up with them? Awww shit...
Posted by shaun @ 06/17/2001 03:01 PM EST
I recommend fixating on your ruined relationships until you become a walking blob of bile and venom. It always works for me, but then again, I'm applying to the Guinness Book of Records for the title of World's Most Bitter Man. I'd say to hang in there and wait for it to get better, but chances are that it won't, at least not for a while. Good luck, though.
Posted by Brendan @ 06/19/2001 12:21 AM EST
caroline...this is entirely unrelated to anything above, but that El Diner place on 39th st. closed down already. damn pseudo-recession. that diner rocked it. anyway, hope you're well...
Posted by greg @ 06/20/2001 04:49 PM EST
good god, no more el diner?? wow. have you ever been to little pete's? (17th & walnut?) now there's a *real* diner.
Posted by caroline @ 06/20/2001 05:41 PM EST
I dont really even know you, but i feel like i'm looking at the reflection of my thoughts and feelings about this very same issue. i have no words of wisdom,but i thank you for putting into the perfect words, yet agian, the things that i toss and turn with in my head. caroline, i admire you for your honestly, clarity, and strength of character. i dont have the answer to this problem, if i did, i dont think i'd be fighting this battle in my own life. but thank you for letting me read this page. it has helped me a great deal and continues to be a place for me to express my feelings with the help of your words. thank you
Posted by -a reader @ 06/26/2001 01:19 AM EST
18d3ae3b6f306616e446002049af55be f7104.
Posted by f4debba @ 03/05/2005 08:40 PM EST
d8c2a8e78905cf1aa001c6a81e437072 0e1e.
Posted by f4debba @ 03/05/2005 08:41 PM EST